Sometimes I battle with so much that the only way I can express myself is writing. I am not the type of person who opens up easily to people. My friends and even some of my family members can vouch for me on this one. I know I am this way because growing up I had one best friend and that was my mom. She knew me like the back of her hand but then again how could she not, she gave birth to me. Over the course of time that relationship changed because she went through a very difficult phase with her health that changed the woman I grew up knowing dramatically. Sadly, it also meant that I lost my best friend and from there on its been a nightmare trying to be at peace with it all. Although I am past the point of it affecting me as deep as it used to, I still feel that empty void, especially in times where I fail to articulate myself impeccably in this world.
Everyone has a story and we all have a past. We all have demons that we fight constantly and things about us that we are not particularly fond of. As I grow older, all of these things that I experience start to make sense. I think all my life, I just wanted to be perfect, so much that there have been moments in my life where I have really messed up and have be so harsh on myself. I really do think that I am my worst critic. I have also come to realize that it is not healthy to move around with this mentality. I am human and I need to allow myself to be one big mess when I need it most. I need to allow myself to feel the pain and shame that comes with making the same mistake more than once. But above all this confusion, I need to also be compassionate with myself and learn to love everything about myself. The love I am learning to show myself is the love that any person would show towards the person they love and if you are lucky enough to experience it, that love is called unconditional love. It is the love where everything can go wrong but you are expected to show up and love that person regardless of what they have done or in some cases haven’t done. It is the love that sees so many flaws in another person yet chooses to stay anyways. It is the love that forgives and chooses to try again after experiencing some challenging situations.
When I think of my father, all I see is this greatly flawed man with the biggest heart I have ever known. He is short tempered and isn’t very patient. He has made alot of mistakes in his past and my mom was his second wife. There is nothing perfect about going through a divorce. So it is no perfect picture indeed but he made it work and he made a commitment to my mother when he decided that she was the one for him despite one failed marriage. And true to his words he stayed committed to her through some really tough times. To make matters worse, growing up I was probably the most difficult child when it came to my dad. I expected him to be a superman with no feelings. I expected him to move mountains for me and even with my ungrateful attitude at the time he did. It is only now that I am much older that I see what this man has done for our family and what he continues to do. It’s almost like the tables turned and now I am much closer to him than I am to my mum. He is my rock and on days where I feel like I am losing it or on days where I really dislike myself, I try my best to think of all the good qualities he has despite his flaws, that have somehow passed on to me.
So here’s to my readers, I am not perfect and although you may see me smiling and full of energy, there are some days where I would rather just curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day. But then I remind myself that no good comes out of that, if anything it is just a day wasted and it doesn’t solve any of my problems. So here is to sometimes being a mess, imperfect and far from figuring sh*t out…